I originally wrote this post on May 11th, 2022 and I’m now sharing it as a reflection from that moment:
Today, for the first time, I went nonverbal at work. People typically categorize autistic people as verbal, semiverbal, or nonverbal and expect that to describe their communication abilities throughout their life. However, for many verbal and semiverbal autistic people, there can be times when their voice just stops working and they find it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to communicate verbally. Today, I had the misfortune of it happening in the middle of a staff meeting. I croaked out a few words before excusing myself. For most, these moments of being unable to speak are triggered by sensory or emotional overload when there’s simply too much information or emotions to process and the ability to vocalize words simply shuts down. For me, it was brought on by a combination of things. I threw my back out yesterday and moving was still pretty painful and I was also experiencing a lot of fear and tension regarding some aspects of my work life, including some not-so-great news I heard just before the meeting. The culmination of all these things just grew to be too much and it was like an invisible barrier formed in my throat. I could still think perfectly fine, if not a little frantically, and I could control my body language, with the exception of some shaky hands and occasional tic. However, anything I tried to say got stuck partway between my brain and my vocal cords and it took all of my energy to just let out a single “sorry.” I can usually still type and write. This is how I texted my mentor to let her know what was going on. I am lucky enough that she was incredibly supportive and helpful during that time and that it only lasted for about half an hour instead of hours like it has in the past. This is important because of just how difficult going nonverbal can be, especially in a work setting. I spend most of my time as a queer, autistic Gen-Z in ministry proving that I am skilled and experienced enough to do the job and moments where I can’t do something or when I must confront my vulnerability are painful. This added fear of not being able to communicate when I need to only adds to the stressors that close up my throat and I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of panicking because I need to talk but not being able to talk because I’m panicking. Part of why I spend so much time educating about autism in my setting is so moments like these aren’t as stigmatized but I still feel like I’m alone in this journey in my site and half of the time I’m just having to explain to others how I exist in the world. Part of me wants to use this moment to teach more about my autism and how things like this happen but the other part of me is scared to show even more vulnerability than I already have. I want to be strong but that strength has many forms. Right now, I need the strength to embrace my vulnerability while praying that I’m still seen for all that I can do for my church and for my ministry.
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